asinglepointofview.com

It’s been an extremely busy year, which is why I haven’t updated since last July. I’m no longer single; I met someone in May of last year. I feel like this blog and the name of the blog is still appropriate because I’ll be giving my single opinion, and I’m still technically single since I’m not married.

A quick recap of the past year:

• Moved to San Diego
• 3 days later met someone
• Spent 5 months in San Diego then moved to Pittsburgh for a job
• Stayed in Pitt for 5 months then moved back to San Diego (missed the sun and my boyfriend), but got to keep my job (thankfully, I have an incredible job!)
• Moved in with my boyfriend
• Work from home and travel a lot for work

I think that sums it up. Through all my moving I’ve definitely got the chance to see which friends make an effort to stay in touch, and which ones don’t. I’m also learning a million things about myself.

I think the biggest discovery to date has been realizing I’m extremely impatient. I look back at myself as a child and I actually won an award in 5^th grade from Mrs. Knight for doing everything the fastest (the award was in the shape of scissors, because I would cut paper very quickly….doesn’t mean it looked nice, but I was always the first one done). In the 3^rd grade I would race everyone in the class (without them knowing of course) to see who could type a paragraph about a boy sitting under a tree, the fastest. I always won, and I would run up to Mrs. Crouch and brag about how fast I was. The reason for this is because I have no time to waste on anything, including art projects and typing. However, this can make life very challenging, especially when other people are involved.

From my experiences, having patience is one of the key necessities to a successful relationship. You can’t rush anything. In my case, my boyfriend is a “go-with-the-flow”, relaxed kind of guy. Which means he drives slower, he is never in a hurry to get going, he fully reads through things versus skims, etc. With this being said, he absolutely balances me out, but also drives me crazy. I’m working on keeping some of my thoughts to myself and not yelling at him. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s just who I am, (at least who I am right now). It’s why my career revolves around the Internet, a platform that is changing every single nanosecond. I don’t have the time for it to be any slower!

Moving forward with this blog, I’m going to write about whatever I want J But mostly it will be about the things I learn about myself through getting older, being in a relationship, travelling and through my career. It’s my single point of view and of anything, I hope somehow you can relate, learn from or laugh at, the things I post.

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart

-Regina Spektor

I think I might have had a pretty big break through last night. I starting thinking about the guys I have dated post Brett and why they didn’t work out. I have never felt strong feelings for pretty much anyone since Brett. It wasn’t because Brett was so fantastic, because that wasn’t true; we were so wrong for each other. What I realized was I had a common feeling with all of the guys; I just wasn’t that into them. I never opened up nor did I have the desire to do so. There was 1 guy, named Bobby, who I felt something real with. The funny thing about that is I was leaving to move to CA in 6 weeks of meeting this person. I think I felt safe opening up and liking him because I knew I was leaving, I knew there couldn’t be anything.

Two things happened when I was with Brett: 1. I fell in love, madly in love, for the first time. 2. My parents separated….for good. I watched my dad with his girlfriend, my mom with her boyfriend. I was on a rollercoaster but I had Brett as my seatbelt, to hold me in; he was my safety. After Brett and I broke up, I learned a lot about myself on so many levels, but the one thing that I think I learned last night, almost 2 years later, was that I don’t think I can emotionally open up and give my all to a guy; at least not right now. I make excuses, push them away, become someone I am not, look elsewhere, get restless or just hang out with myself. It’s either one of two things: I haven’t met someone right for me or I have met so many guys that I completely ignore because of my emotional state that I never realized was present until last night.

I will, to my own benefit, add that I have been distracted starting and running a business, but I know deep down I want love. I want a guy. I want to be CRAZY in love. I just can’t get there and I think it is coming from within.

That’s right, I’m talking about dating. There’s some kinda formula to it that I don’t think I’ll ever figure out. And maybe I don’t want to figure it out, not knowing is part of the fun. However I do know that I’ve never been more confused when it comes to dating, especially after being single for so long.

You get comfortable. You enjoy your alone time and you find that you are accomplishing everything you need to for the day and doing things you always wanted to because you have a lot of free time. You get to stay in touch with friends more, see family and go to the gym or go hiking or read books. Being single can be extremely rewarding and fun. No waiting on someone else, no wondering how they feel or if they’ll ever call and no heart ache. Yes, you feel alone and that can hurt sometimes, but it doesn’t feel as bad as being hurt by someone else.

I have to be honest, I’m scared to death of dating and I’m scared to death of being in a relationship. There is a side of me that is excited, don’t get me wrong, I do want to be in a relationship some day it just freaks me out. I can’t wait to have someone to celebrate with me when I make a sale, or hold me while I cry when I’m stressed or sad. Having a plus one to do things with and hang out with all my other friends who are in relationships sounds like so much fun.

Maybe I have a commitment issue? Maybe I don’t want to be hurt again? Maybe I’m satisfied being single? Maybe I’m totally confused?  The one thing I do know, part of me is excited for the games, excited for the butterflies and challenges that lie within getting to know someone romantically. However, I’m not excited about the unknown and confusion and the voices in my head.

I’m going to take it day by day, moment by moment. I will *try* to embrace dating, and have fun while I’m doing it. Like my wise friend said, “you are going to talk yourself out of this and I’m not going to let you. Enjoy the moment! If he treats you well and you like him, enjoy it!”

Any other singles out there experiencing these feelings and hesitations – or have experienced them but found how to move forward?

I almost titled this blog “Happy Single’s Awareness Day” but who cares what it really is or isn’t, I just wanted to say that if you are single or even if you aren’t, make sure you love yourself. The only way you can love anyone else is if you start with YOU. So if today is a hard and lonely day, just know that you always have you, and that’s a pretty amazing thing

Here are some quotes to live by – Love you all with all of my heart!

“I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.” – Theodore Isaac Rubin

We always want what we don’t have, right? Well for a while I thought I wanted to be in a relationship, especially after being single for almost a few years. But over the past couple of months I’ve started to be thankful for what I have and realized what I like about being single. And now, being in a relationship is a little frightening. These feelings encouraged me to write a post about what I like about being single, and what I remember I liked about being in a relationship, because honestly, they both have their ups and downs, so just appreciate what you have now, and always live in the now.

Single – Some words/phases that, to me, describe being single:

• Freedom
• Independence
• Flexibility
• Friends and Family
• Zero Expectations
• Laughing with yourself
• Openness
• Change
• Curiosity
• Self Challenging
• Educational
• Confidence

Relationships:

• Reliability
• Dependence
• Comfort
• Affection
• Monogamy
• Laughing with someone
• Communication
• Plans

What words would you use about your current status? What do you wish you had in your current status?

What do you think it is? Lack of confidence? Lack of trust? Being too picky? Having high expectations? All of the above will make it much harder for you to go from lonesome and single to happy and in love, but the number one mistake single ladies make is thinking, “He’s not out there.”

I would love to hear some honest comments on this post because I have said and thought that so many times, and I’m 24 years old. If I’m single when I’m in my 40’s, I’m totally going to believe that there is no guy out there for me, I will live and die alone, and I will just have lots of dogs to keep me busy and distracted.

I don’t know about you, but I am a believer of The Secret and of the power of what you put out into the universe is what you get back. Thinking negatively about your love life is only going to bring you loneliness. Thinking no one is out there for you is exactly what you will get; no one, nothing.

I also believe that that statement is made as an excuse. An excuse to block what we have from within to be able to open up and give ourselves to someone, so we blame it on the fact that there is just no one for us and it is the universe’s fault. Stop hiding behind excuses and face the real issue. If that means you have to go to counseling to figure it out, GO!

I strongly encourage getting help and I think it is absolutely vital for us to be able to talk to a trusted person about our emotions, thoughts, past, expectations, hopes and dreams. And let me tell you, that person doesn’t have to be a friend or family member, sometimes trained strangers are the best road to take; they’re completely unbiased and help you find the root of the problem through the symptoms. I was/am blessed with a great friend who is a social worker that I lived with and she would social work my ass time and time again until I came to self realizations. It was impressive, amazing, and life changing.

So ladies, and probably men too, stop thinking he/she is not out there! You’re too busy worrying about being alone that you aren’t seeing the person standing in front of you, ready to make you happy (and the only way they can truly make you happy is if you can find happiness from within, first).

Being single allows you to see the way you and others act in and out of relationships in a new light. I was watching a show that was talking about a woman that was in her late 30’s and she wasn’t married yet. One comment they gave her was she was interviewing the men she was seeing versus getting to know them.

I was so enlightened by that statement because I realized that I was doing the same thing! And I wasn’t doing this to a nice guy a friend of mine introduced me to, I was doing it to every guy I met whether it was in the grocery line or at a bar. I would think in my head, “How is this person dressed. Look how they are holding themselves. How will they respond to my next question?” Can you just imagine me thinking this standing there with my arms crossed, eye brows raised? Doesn’t that sound so uninviting!?

Now come on, interviewing a man to be your husband in a bar is absurd but interviewing anyone, man or woman, on a date is unrealistic to getting to know them. Interviews place judgment on answers, they put psychological meaning to what you say based off of every response and they are usually looking for a certain type of character to fit in with their team.

We might know what we want in a person, but let me be the first to say that we don’t truly know what that looks like and we also don’t know how we would respond, or who we would become, if we dated someone that was totally opposite of who we are.

In the past year I’ve dated some guys that I never imagined myself with – lazy, younger, shorter, shy, and married…he was separated so don’t judge me.  I would tell my friends, “he’s totally not my type, I never would have pictured this” and then that led me to challenge myself and ask, “Well Crystal, what is your type?” I had no idea and that’s because I don’t have one. (I’m thankful for this, a lot of men and women have a very specific type that they lock themselves into and often miss something so amazing because they have tunnel vision).

The moral of my post is, stop interviewing people to be your soul mate; it’s about building a relationship, getting to know what they enjoying doing in their free time, what they’re passionate about, what makes them smile, what makes them blush, what makes them jump out of bed in the morning or what doesn’t. You don’t get to know those personal details about someone during an interview.

If I could encourage one thing to all my single peeps, let go of expectations and go with the flow. Always be yourself and try to have fun with whoever you are with. You’ll find life to be much more enjoyable and you never know you may end up with someone that completely side swipes you.

I think letting go to someone we love and have created memories with can be one of the hardest things we have to do in life. When you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife for months and years, and it starts to fall apart, we feel lost and out of control. Or, sometimes we feel relief depending on the situation.

From my experience, letting go is so vital to moving forward with your life and your love life. I say that because both are traumatized and affected by the transition, and if you can’t move forward with your life, you’ll never successfully have a fulfilled love life.

My previous boyfriend wouldn’t let go. And for the first couple of months after the split, I wouldn’t either. We would text each other when we were lonely, drunk or angry. I started to realize that by talking to him, I was hanging on to him, but there wasn’t really anything to hang on to.

He really wanted to remain friends. And wanted to be my buddy just a month after we broke up (and he already had a new girlfriend, which made me feel like I completely didn’t matter to him in the end). He would text me things like I was his friend, not his ex. But he kept holding on.

When I finally started getting over him was when I stopped responding to his text messages. I just ignored them. We broke up in July of 08, and his last text was last month. Over a year later he is still texting, after months of me not responding. If I didn’t stop responding, I would still be hanging on and getting upset every time I talked to him. Instead I just ignore and move on.

Don’t get me wrong; in the beginning this was very hard. I was mad, sad and confused. I would start writing him back and then delete it; sit there wondering if I should respond, and then finally drop it and decide to ignore it. Like I said, it wasn’t easy, but so worth it.

I was talking to a new friend of mine this past week and her and her ex boyfriend of 6 years still talks weekly and hangs out often. They still love each other, and a piece of them probably always will, but they broke up for a reason. I told her if they don’t give each other space, they will never really know what they want from one another and what they truly need…on their own.

I also often think that we are hanging on, but don’t realize it and create excuses. If you still talk to your ex; are you hanging on, or have you both moved on and truly think of each other as friends? How long did it take? Do you feel like you can be friends with your ex? Leave a comment with your thoughts, I’d love to hear them and give my two pesos too.

Can’t believe I haven’t blogged since October. Even though I spent some time in NYC and survived the holidays, I have had SO many ideas and topics to talk about, that I can’t believe it hasn’t happened. However, I’m back and ready to share all the random thoughts that swirl around in my head as a single woman. AND, a single woman living in NYC for 7 weeks

I want to start back up with talking about being guarded. It’s been a topic of 2010, and it was on Oprah yesterday so I think it is fitting. On New Year’s Eve I was talking to a cute gentleman who asked me why my guard was up. I was totally caught off guard and embarrassed that he noticed. To be honest, I didn’t even know it was still there; I had a few drinks in me, I was having a great time, but apparently the guard didn’t feel comfortable enough to go away.

The sad part of it all is not that I have a guard, but that it was noticeable….well….and to be honest, it is also sad that I have a guard, but I think that’s just part of being single? Especially after a year and a half, I have become very independent and have talked to so many idiots that I carry my guard to prevent assholes wasting my time. It sounds harsh but it’s what I subconsciously do. However it isn’t the best route, especially when my guard protects me, or shall I say prevents me, from meeting someone great.

On Oprah yesterday, the Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger and Nate helped this 41 year old single lady date. It was very eye opening on many different levels which I will discuss in other blog posts, but one thing I could relate to is the guard that she held oh so high. They were explaining how she was giving off signals that she wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her guard down and just have a good time. I started to wonder how many times I’m at an event, club, etc., giving off signals that I’m not interested, I’m too good, etc. Not that I think I’m too good, but I’ve been single long enough to know what I want and what I don’t and I have realized that I’m worth a lot and deserve to be treated like a queen, because I have a lot to give someone else too, and will treat them the exact same way (but like a King )

It made me realize that I often walk into a room reserved and guarded. No wonder I’m not getting hit on, no wonder I’m not enjoying myself! My own guard is affecting my attitude and the quality of my experiences. So, as hard as it is, I’m trying to lose the guard. I just want to be myself and have fun and let loose; no need to be guarded.

What are your thoughts? Are you single and guarded or just the opposite, do you take in any and everything?